I truly believe that my daughter does the best she can in each moment

It may not be the same as another child's best.  It may not fit within 'what's expected' (usually set by neurotypical adults).  Onlookers may blame lack of discipline, or say she is 'having a lend'... but I know when to ask her to rise, and when to just listen to her (we are lucky that she is verbal, wise, and self aware) and let her be.

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If someone asks her for more than her best, and she does rise or push through, then it doesn't mean that the adult "won" and was "right", and it doesn't mean that it was a behavioural problem... it means that she's more afraid of the consequences than she is of the fallout within herself.

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But I have to ask the adult... how do you know what's going on behind those eyes, behind that smile she's putting on?

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When I ask her to rise or push through, it's rare, and it's always for a good reason (that I as her mother know is important, for example brushing teeth to avoid permanent damage to teeth and painful dentist visits).

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I get to ask her to rise sometimes because I know her capacity and her nervous system intimately.

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When she pushes through and steps up for me, it's because I have stepped up for her a thousand times, and she knows that I let her be when I can.

She steps up for me when she CAN because we have a system of trust and respect.

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When she still doesn't budge then I don't get all dramatic and let all the fear for the future flow through me... AND most importantly I don't take it personally (I'm getting better at this, but I'm still human )

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But MAN do other adults take it personally on my behalf!

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I'd love to say to them:

"You're not me, you're not Chloe, you DON'T KNOW what it's like... and I didn't ask for your opinion - even though your opinion has a right to exist and you're doing your best in this moment too )

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I'd really like to ask the adult what they think is going on inside Chloe's head... and why. I'd really like to educate them and describe her day and what she's already pushed through:

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Being Autistic is so amazing and electric... but it can also be EXHAUSTING!

Having ADHD can be absolutely brilliant... but it can also be EXHAUSTING!

Having constant Severe Pain from headaches, and taking 12 different tablets a day can be yucky and tiring.

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Pushing through school work with dyslexia, dysgraphia and sensory overload / integration issues is EXHAUSTING!

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Look behind those blue eyes and ask what it's really like.

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She goes to school when she can.

She has a bath when she can.

She eats food when she can.

She goes to gymnastics class when she can.

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She doesn't avoid these things to make adults life hard, or to "play a game". She genuinely wants her life to go smoothly and not make those she loves upset or angry. This is not fun for her!

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So next time you ask her, or any Little Super Hero to rise, to push through, to go against their instinct and innate knowing of what their BEST is in that moment, ask yourself if it's REALLY important, and what the cost is to the Little Super Hero for having to rise beyond their best. What is the trade off?

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Please try changing your expectations, and remember that they may actually be doing their best.

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Jen